Embodying Responsibility- A Contemplative Journey for Women in Business.

Embodying responsibility is a concept I certainly feel I have not grasped, mentally, physically, or somatically.

For most of my working life, I have worked for myself. I have been employed less than a handful of times. Often in these times, I struggled with how business was done, how I belonged in the team, and how we could work to make it actually benefit everyone.

Throughout my life, I have had a fair share of being taken advantage of in business. From deciding I needed to break up a business partnership, to being employed and eventually managing a space, to renting a space and being offered what could be considered opportunities that dreams are made of. I was always consistent, rarely let the team down, said yes more times than I can recall, and often felt empty, exhausted, and unseen. 

When I decided to register my own business, I set up as a sole trader, this helped with working in a variety of settings, and I guess I gathered data on what I want, and don’t want when working. I am happy to admit that I still don’t have it figured out, but I am closer than ever.

Working for myself should have meant I could do my own thing, but when there was not much work, or I had a fear of being seen I would shift into having imposter syndrome, and I was the queen of procrastination, I found myself saying ‘yes’ to others, and ‘no’ to myself. Time and time again, my ‘no’ to myself would show up as pain in my body, exhaustion, binge eating, over-exercising, and other adaptive behaviours, that were unhelpful.

It wasn’t until covid hit the world, that I had an opportunity to take stock, or at least try to. I did what most people did during this time, and pivoted my business, which I hated. I drank a lot more, ate more, exercised more, and online dated more. I also got to know many different parts of my psyche that would show up in random ways, that I now look back on with gratitude and fondness. These parts were crying out for attention. To attune to the wounds, and stop the adaptive behaviours that had become a pacifier for my pain. 

Business was a pain point for me. Most of what I knew about business was ‘wishy-washy’ and possibly old school. Sure, I had a good word-of-mouth clientele, and I am grateful for that. I didn’t know how to do the business side of business, without being the business. I was the brand, my services provided the people the business, and what I couldn’t work out, was how to make it work for me, not me work for it. I would often get inspired by hearing other people’s stories about business, but I would be so afraid to take action, and had a gigantic fear of failure. I would often fall in a heap after having another meltdown. 

The story I told was always the same, which meant I continued to rewire it in my brain-body pathways. I behaved like the story, I spoke like the story, I even had postures like the story. It was so noisy in my head. I kept burying my head deeper into the sand and said ‘yes’ time and time again. Every time I said yes, I would instantly regret it. It would feel like a punch in the gut. Then my anxiety would set in, I would be so fatigued, and on came the broken record of my story.

“I am not good enough”

“I will never get out of this cycle”

“I can’t stand what I do”

“No one takes me seriously”

“I am not where I want to be”

Basically, I was my own worst enemy and playing a victim to my own internal beliefs. For a long time, I wondered how I even developed these beliefs, and it’s only in recent years that I have come to know is these beliefs I had are a byproduct of many years of unresolved wounding, around my lived experiences and still blaming others for my suffering. At no point in the process, had I let go of their behaviour, and taken responsibility for my outcomes. I chose to be a victim. 

It all worked out, as it does when you contemplate another story. Another way to see and perceive the experiences in life. We can’t blame other people forever. Sure they had a role to play, but it is up to me to grow and expand and trust the process. Early this year when I decided to rebrand my business, I wanted this process to be a reflection of my journey. To see the process of change and embodiment is possible, with the right support, guidance, and a willingness to learn a new way.

My rebrand feels so perfect for where I am now, and I know in a few short years, things could be different. And that is ok. What I also know is that I have a responsibility, just like you do, to be introspective and contemplate something else when the suffering is all-consuming. Learning boundaries, speaking with my voice, my body, and my soul, being spacious and not immediately saying something I may not align with, hearing my inner parts, learning to sense & feel and regulate my nervous system, learning to love, move with ease and trust the process. 

And finally, looking beyond me as an individual, and making something that is bigger than me a priority to focus on when leaning into purpose as an Embodied Business-Woman.

To learn how to embody your experiences, connect through the booking link on my website.

Kate x