The Healing power of boundaries: Transforming Trauma into strength and resilience.
We come into this world with absolutely no idea how our lives will turn out. We don’t even know the concept of life. We are tiny, vulnerable, squishy, completely dependent on our care givers and yet we are undeniably intelligent, resilient and evolutionary.
Through the development of our brain, mind, body, experiences & perspectives we learn about what the world is. As a small child our world is quite sheltered, as it should be. Ideally kept safe, protected from harm and provided all the essentials to ongoing nourishing, healthy development.
Unfortunately for many, this idea of being provided with the essentials and having basic human rights can be blemished and are then left to figure out the world, how to survive in it and how to make the most of the life they have with the resources, care, ideas, conditions and beliefs developed from a blemished lens.
For many healing souls, the path to turning inward could have been woven with experiences of fear, trauma, anxiety, disbelief, abandonment, risk, sleepless nights, emotional overwhelm and so much more. The choice to turn in as I have discovered comes from a place inside that believes with all your being, YOU DESERVE MORE. You are deserving of a life that grants you safety, unconditional loving care, respect, opportunity, belief and connection.
The time I began to turn inwards was about the time I could hear what I now know as my internal family system ‘parts’, speaking from a place of freedom. Within the voices were parts that didn’t believe freedom was an option and tried to keep me ‘safe’ by the means of self doubt, keeping me feeling stuck in behaviours, in relationships, looking externally for validation, using my body as a way to prove ‘I am worthy’, using my body as a canvas to remodel to ‘fit in’ and be noticed.
Then the voices of the freedom parts who wanted to breathe, wanted inner peace, wanted authenticity and real loving relationships began to get louder and exhibited behaviours that expressed freedom. Sitting still, writing my feelings down, crying, yelling, shaking, getting angry in safe spaces, trusting, and getting help.
As I got to know these parts and could see the role they had played, and I am sure will play on occasion when met with challenge, I was able to hold both with a yes, and. I am able to provide space for these parts to coexist. To notice the natures, landscapes, states, stories, symptoms, beliefs, body responses and ways I relate to myself.
The more I inquired, with curiosity, the more I learn to care about each part and the constellation that the parts belong to.
Getting to know each part and uncovering the manifestation of these, gave me an opportunity to find the most authentic and intentional boundary to maintain the space between a part that may have been cultivated through past experiences and limiting beliefs, and through the space created, learn to nurture what the part(s) need.
This is also supportive of my freedom parts that breathe deeply and expand with each glimmer I savour and desire I dream up and fulfil.
The coexsiting nature of parts with functional boundaries has meant I can continue to shape my boundary skillset and believe I am confident, capable and worthy of setting boundaries with other people, others who may have un knowingly contributed to my self beliefs as a youngster.
It’s important to set boundaries and practice these daily with yourself. I am a big believer you cannot set boundaries with others before you set then with yourself.
You can create action steps and connect with your values to support you in being confident in boundary setting. This is a process of reflection that requires constant attention.
Attention to how it feels in your body to set the boundaries.
Noticing your body’s response and being curious about it.
Noticing your natural instinct, and mind tendencies, your unconscious behavioural patterns towards yourself and others.
From the words of Prentis Hemphill “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously”.
It is not uncommon to experience kickback from your parts that work as what’s known in the IFS world as ‘managers’. These manager parts work to ‘protect’ and keep you busy. Filling in your days with tasks so you don’t have time to ‘feel’ anything you think will slow you down.
An example of kickback is when you decide to set a boundary that is about saying ‘no’... No is really hard to say if you are a chronic ‘yes’ person and people pleaser. Saying no can create a lot of reactivity in your parts and your body. Your heart might race, the tension you often experince brings on a headache, you feel anxious about hurting someone’s feelings. Then in gallops the guilt part. “Why would you say ‘no’? You need to say yes, this person will not be happy or cope with you saying ‘no’. The inner dialogue goes on, and on, and gets louder and louder.
You may resort back into old habits of people pleasing.
Or with your new skills of self awareness, mindfulness and boundary setting you may remember your intention, your why and your reason for meeting your own needs first. You may still feel the guilt, and you will continue to trust your instinct and that your worth is much more important to maintain and build back up than what someone who is an adult says and does in response to your boundary setting choice.
Boundaries must be flexible, flexible to meet your internal and external world capacity. This helps with integrating the choice concept. You always have a choice even if in the past you have been made to feel like you didn’t.
To start setting boundaries with yourself:
Get to know your deepest desires, what are they, where are you while pursuing them, who are you with, who are you being?
Get to know your body’s response to past lived experiences with people who have taken advantage of you saying ‘yes’ often.
Ask yourself this - How close would you let a stranger get to you before you created a boundary? An arms distance, a few meters, or right up close in your personal space. Think of how this actually feels whe setting boundaries. How does it feel when someone even yourself cross the boundaries of protection, self energy, self preservation, self worth…
Practice boundary setting regularly, and reflect on how they feel often. You are always evolving and growing and so too must your boundaries.